Ruskin DuFief (with_the_band) wrote in love_ed,
Ruskin DuFief

So I'm new

I'm 17 and i've been on-again, off-again mia for over a year and a half (it started a New Years Day night).

I've tried everything, from purgeing to laxatives, to breaking down and crying trying to get help after my 5th purge of the day, some 7 months ago. After trying to go clan for almost 5 months, I've decided that it couldn't be less worth it. I can't stand the thought of weighing as much as I do. I'm bloated and disgusting - and i'm binge eating, but without the purge. I'm leaving for college in 2 1/2 weeks, and I want to be amazing. I feel like losing just...even just 5 pounds will make me look 1000% better, and feel 1000% better, but none of my friends get this. I've made some sobbing confessions when my best friend has confronted me - but she doesn't really understand why I feel the need to clean myself out.

this is the only way that I can go.

*sigh* stats...
Height - 5"0'
HW - 123 (blah)
LW - I honestly don't know. I swear off scales when I feel good about myself. Or at least, when I don't feel horrible about myself. I'm afraid that the number will be high and then I'll go through another 3 months of hating myself before I can be happy. I'm guessing - 90ish?
CW - 117 (way too close to that HW)
GW - 110 (for college, then 97 - 20 lbs)


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