Ruskin DuFief (with_the_band) wrote in love_ed,
Ruskin DuFief

What has happened?

What has happened to this community? People asking how to have an eating disorder?

Do people not realize that it is a disease - and not a weight-lose technique. Many people with eating disorders arent even underweight, myself included. I have been striggling with bulimia for two years, and though I have never been overweight (even before I started to purge) I am rarely underweight, or even the weight that I would like to be.
You have no idea how much I would like to stop throwing up my meals, how much I would like to be able to eat a muffin and not want to go and throw-up afterwards, how much I would like to go out to dinner with my family and not feel disgusting for the 1/2 after I eat and have to wait until I get home to get rid of my food. Or how much I would like to not have to schedule my meals during class periods, so I can use my hall bathroom without my roommate (or anyone else for that matter) walking in on me. Who would want this?

I didn't really choose to purge, its something that I'd been doing whenever I felt like I had over eaten since I was a preteen, and only in the past 2 years has it become a more consant part of my life. It is just something that happens, and its more of an addiction then anything else, I don't do it to lose weight. I'll purge every meal I eat for two months, lose 10 pounds, then eat for 3 days, gain 12  pounds and fast for 3 weeks because I'm so disgusted with myself. My weight is like a roller coaster. I break out whenever I throw up - so its almost like a choice between being skinny and a clear complection, I pray that my roommate doesn't notice when I go to the bathroom after every meal and come back with a runny nose and teared eyes. I'm ashamed when I go to the dentist and there is a cavity, even though I havn't eaten a candy bar in 4 years. I am tired all day, yet suffer from insomnia and can't go to sleep before 6:30 in the morning. I have a perpetual cold that never goes away, and mouth sores that last forever.
Again I ask, who would want this.
I guess bulimia and anorexia have a glamorous stigma to them - as the stuff of supermodels or something. But I am anything but a supermodel. I suffer from self-esteem slightly above that of a cardboard box, and even at my lighest weight I can't look in the mirror for more then 10 seconds without breaking down because of every imperfection of my body. When my parents found out a year ago, they put me in therapy - which I have had to go to since. A loon in a tie telling me that I don't need to kill myself to be beautiful, or to have control over my life. A best friend who follows me into the bathroom whenever she is around me.

I won't tell anyone how to throw-up, if you can't its better that way. I won't tell anyone if laxatives work - if you can't figure it out, again, its better. Those who truely need help and support are not those who beg for eating disorders - they are those who don't ask the questions. For those people who go into their bathrooms quietly and experiement to see what will make them feel empty - and therefore full - inside.
Those of you who seem to think that is a 'get thin quick' scheme should be ashamed. People have ruined their lives with this stuff.

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